My loss & loneliness over putting my dog "Jake" to sleep makes me wish I would have gone with him too...?

The tears don't stop, the reminders of him feel like they are in every space and every corner of every room in my home, I lay in my bed and the spot where he would snuggle in next to my hip is bare, the pillow he was for me when I would take my after-work catnaps is gone, his hip-hop in the chair next to me each and every time I would sit down to rest is just me and me alone in this big empty recliner, the pitter-patter of his feet on the hardwood floors in the kitchen has grown silent, I found his favorite pink jingle-ball today (the one he would set in my lap directly on the newspaper when he would want me to play fetch with him, the same ball he would push with his nose from the top step on down to where I was vacuuming on the landing so I would stop to play with him), the lifesavers I would put in my mouth all my own now and not his sweet little way of trying to steal a taste from me without asking... I miss his warmth and forgiveness of whatever mood I was in. All those gifts were gone when I said my final goodbye to him last night, with wet teary kisses as I left him to his final destiny... How do I forgive myself for being the murderer I feel today, when all I wanted to do was to protect the rest of the world from a dangerous dog that would bite first rather than give chance at friendship or acquaintance? I truly wish I would have been the one to die and not him. I put that poison in him and I should have paid the price and taken the poison myself and spared him. My sadness feels so strong and my heart so close to breaking. Will I survive or will I be behind him soon! I cry in front of my husband and kids in sadness and feel them seeing my sadness but offering no support or comfort. Like I should just move on and forget this wonderful "love of my life" I had... It's lonely suffering without sound.. having all these hearts beating around me, but the love and warmth was "Jake's" and now he is gone... I feel they are all relieved he is gone, no more trips outside with him for them, no more telling him tp shut up when he is barking, no more telling him to go away when he would park his little next to the dinner table, no more trips to the vet, no more "When was the last time the dog went out or was fed" questions... Life got easier for all of them, but my life has stopped... it stopped when "Jake" stopped living... I too stopped living...